When your husband has Meningitis…part two.

If I'm being honest, I haven't had the strength to write part two yet.  It is long overdue, I admit.  The emotional toll that this period of time has taken on our family is no small amount.  Thinking about my husband and how challenging this was and is, I land smack dab in yet another anxiety spell and then avoid the thing all together.  That's right, I sweep my issues under a rug.  Because facing them has been too scary and too lonely.  But I'm finally sleeping again.  I'm finally trying to take care of myself- something I forgot to do somewhere along the way.  Isn't it funny how moms and dads forget things like that?  It's a hard line to walk, taking care of yourself and everyone else too all the while being patient and loving.  It takes a lot of chocolate and a lot of yoga for me to stay present when I'm on my last leg. The job doesn't stop at the end of a long day or even on the weekends. Moms and dads…you truly are my heroes.

Part one can be read HERE…

As Chad and I drove home from the brain scan that evening, his doctor called with results.  There were no abnormalities.  He hadn't had a stroke and there was no tumor.   It was good news, the best possible scenario we could have hoped for really.  She told him to be at the hospital the next morning for a spinal tap test, where fluid would be drained- relieving some of the pressure from chad's head and giving us a sample to send to the lab for more testing.  I think I was numb from fear at this point and completely unaware of the range of emotions I was going through.  I had prepared myself to hear the words "cancer" or "brain tumor".  But we still didn't know what was wrong with Chad. That scared me more than anything.  The not knowing and the waiting helplessly.

That same evening I couldn't sleep.  I laid in bed awake while the rest of the house was quiet and asleep.  I began to shake.  My hands, arms, legs and face all started to tingle until finally they went numb and I felt like I was literally suffocating.  I hated myself for having a reaction like this when chad was the one that was sick.  Chad was the one who needed me and here I was falling apart.  Why couldn't I keep it together for my family who desperately needed me now?  I have always been far too hard on myself.  Chad knew I was having a panic attack and tried coaching me through it, but no amount of help could stop my fear from coming.  I'm pretty sure this is what we call a nervous break down.  And that's exactly how it felt. 

Thank you Danielle for driving in the middle of the night- to stay with my babies while I was falling apart.  I'll never forget your kindness and willingness to help us.

We got about three hours of sleep that night and chad drove himself to his procedure the next morning. He was on his back for the remainder of the day per doctors orders, although he felt surprisingly better having less pressure from his spinal fluid.  It was the best I had seen him since the night his symptoms began.  By the end of the day we had a diagnosis.  Viral Meningitis.  His spinal pressure levels had been severely elevated, there was way more fluid than normal.  No specific treatment was to be done but thankfully, Chad would recover on his own.  That was such wonderful news- that he would get through this.  That we all would.  Up until this point, I really didn't know if that would happen.

Due to the intense stress Chad was under while trying to finish up school and juggle his time at home, he wasn't able to properly fight off this infection to begin with.  It would take some time to work through his body before he felt completely healed.  He would need another spinal tap within the next week to help relieve more pressure.  His doctor gave us a time period of about six weeks until most symptoms would disappear, but that Chad would feel the lingering weakness and fatigue for the next year.  Now, he needed rest and lots of it.

While our families were both very kind and supportive of our situation, there was only so much they could do for us from so far away.  After my own episode, I realized I was going to need additional help if we were going to get Chad well- and if both of us were to finish our semesters of school.  With three weeks left before finals, I honestly did not know how it would all come together.  I was prepared to do what I could with my schooling and be okay with the rest. By some small miracle, Chad's mom was able to fly out to be with us for a whole week.  I don't remember much about that week she was here.  But I do remember feeling like she was our angel who helped pull us through the mess.  I finished my assigned work for Chemistry and took my final exam.  My grade did not suffer, and Chad was able to complete all of his end of semester tasks.  The MUSC faculty was very kind and sensitive to his situation as were his peers who helped to bring meals to us.

Thank you does not seem like enough to say to our family and friends who helped us through this time.  I dare say, it was one of the most intense and difficult experiences I have ever been through.  I will never forget how humbling it was to realize how much I needed help.  I could not do it alone no matter how much I willed myself.  There were many long days of caring for my sick husband and making sure he was where he needed to be, while juggling the needs of my two littles.  There were many tearful moments of worry and pure exhaustion.  I am so grateful chad was healed.  I know that we were watched over and protected through this time.  There were many angels sent to be with us.

What a blessing my family is to me.  I want my husband to know I love him.  I want him to know that I still choose him.  Even on our hardest days, I would do it all again- the exact same way.  I want my babies to know I would do anything for them, for their happiness.  I hope they learn about strength, love and kindness from watching their dad. He is the greatest example I could ever give to them.

Throw it way back.

I guess this is what you do on Thursdays, post old photos??  I don't know, I'm a first timer to #tbt.  Maybe my hip and much younger siblings can give me some pointers.  Anyway, throw it back to Ogden, Utah- the week we were married in 2011.  And my pregnant hips!  I had hips folks, once upon a time.  These photos were taken just days after Chad and I were married.  We have no photos of us on our actual wedding day- which yes, bothers me a little.  Our story however, doesn't bother me one bit.  I love that we eloped to Florida that February.  I love that we had no plan.  I had no flowers, no guests, no lavishly expensive dinner and no 4,000 dollar wedding gown.  Wait, okay I'm sad I didn't get to wear the gown, not sad I didn't have to pay for one.  It wouldn't have fit me anyhow.  That day nothing I owned fit me.  I was 5 months pregnant and we were flat broke.  I wore a plain Old Navy sundress purchased the day before, flip flops and my engagement ring.  Chad had spent every penny he owned having it made for me.

The idea of marriage really scared me then, it still does.  Something about promising your forever away no matter what just doesn't seem natural to me.  Things change, people change and that's okay.  I didn't want to get married just because it was the respectable thing to do or because it seemed like the next step in our relationship.  I just wanted to be with Chad.  I wanted us to be a family.  I didn't need a marriage license or a ceremony to tell me how much he really loved me.  I knew enough about him then to know that he was committed, married or not.  For me, this day was like any other day- about nothing more than our love for each other and our desire to stay together.  I love that our baby was there growing inside me as we promised to take care of each other.  For us, it was perfect and the feeling of peace I had that day remains with me still.  Two babies later, I still feel it.  There is a sweetness and a fullness inside my heart.  It's as simple as that.

Super Bowl Sunday, park day.

I just adore these photos.  The sunshine was so gorgeous today.  This is us most weekends lately, when it isn't too cold outside.  We go to the park.  The boys are at such a cute age (2 and a half & 14 months) where they love to climb, slide and run and so the park is a perfect place for us to be.  I love when we get out of the house, period.  Chad has started his level two rotations and is finding himself very busy most days during the week.  but he loves it.  I love that he comes home with a smile on his face, eager to tell me about the day's victories.  The stress of testing and the classroom is gone and the excitement of applying what he has learned is here.  I'm so, so glad.

Avett has started talking.  He says ball, book, cheese, cracker, baba, elmo, poo poo and can point to his head, belly and mouth when asked.  I'm not positive but I think he outweighs Griff now.  A isn't walking yet but I'm sure he will soon, once he knows he can.  he walks with me while I hold his hand and he pushes his cart around the living room.  he climbs stairs like a maniac and whines like nobody's business.  He loves giving kisses, open mouth… watch out!  Griff is really into his guitar (uke) right now and gives concerts several times a day.  He loves baseball and hitting off of his tee.  I swear it's just a matter of time before he swings that bat at his brother's head.  or hits a line drive at me when I'm not looking.  Griff is quite the talker.  He always has a funny explanation for everything.  He's very independent during the day and must do everything himself.  His dad is his best friend.

This week we had an ice storm.  It was 30 something degrees, rainy and we even got snow one day.  The entire city closed down for about 48 hours and it was kinda fun- pretending that we had some real winter weather around here.  I'm really enjoying my break from school this semester.  Toward the end of last semester I darn near gave myself a heart attack trying to go to school, take care of chad during Menengitis and take care of my boys.  I decided to graduate from Weber and focus more of my time on the boys.  They will only be this little for so long.  and I don't want to miss it.  I've had more time to play with them and more time to enjoy Charleston.  plus, my house is cleaner.  sweet.


Happy February!
Love, us.

When your husband has Meningitis… part 1.

This is either week 3 or week 4 of the viral meningitis attack on my husband, I really can't keep it all straight anymore.  I think we are entering week 4.  Chad is doing much better this week.  His pain has diminished and he is able to sleep, eat and be up for most of the day.  He's currently trying to finish his school semester projects and take his final exams.  I'm so proud of Chad and the way he has fought through this illness.  My husband is no baby.  He gets work done.  I think that has been one of the more challenging parts about this experience.  I know Chad would rather be helping me around the house or doing his school work than lying in bed resting.  Laziness is just not part of his nature.  He is doing better, but this is an extremely slow process.

Many friends and family members have been asking for updates, sending sweet messages, bringing meals and offering to help.  I confess, I have become very overwhelmed by this process of caring for Chad, tending to the children and finishing up my fall semester of school.  I know I have been horrible about responding to emails, texts, calls etc.  To those of you who have reached out to us:  WE THANK YOU, WE APPRECIATE YOU, WE LOVE YOU.  I thought our blog would be the best way for us to thank and update everyone inquiring about Chad.  While we would love to rehash the story over and over again (insert sarcasm), I'm sure that would not be helpful in getting Chad the rest he so desperately needs.  I wanted to put a little bit of this experience down on paper so that I don't forget the degree of difficulty we have been faced with while living here in Charleston.  Also, I never want to forget the friends we have made and how grateful and truly, truly blessed we are.  Thank you to everyone who has helped deliver a meal to us.  We haven't had to worry about dinner for two weeks y'all!  What wonderful people Chad has been blessed to work with in his OT program at MUSC.  This experience has rocked my world in so many ways.

4 weeks ago, my husband woke up in the middle of the night with the worst headache of his life, vomiting and many other flu like symptoms.  We were up the whole night considering an ER visit but decided to ride it out at least until the morning.  The headache never left and no amount of OTC meds seemed to dull his pain.  I knew in my gut (I've got a very intuitive gut) that something was just not right.  The next evening, Chad got tingling throughout the left side of his body.  It first traveled up through his fingers, up his arm, through his face and back down his side, down his entire leg and left through his toes.  Concerned about a stroke, given the tingling, weakness and terrible headache, I took him to the ER where he was diagnosed with nothing more than a migraine headache and given a prescription for pain.  (side note- I hope everyone knows the warning signs for a stroke.  It is imperative that stroke victims receive immediate attention for the best possible care.  If you don't know them, look it up!)  Back to Chad…They sent us home, the meds didn't help, the pain and vomiting didn't stop and he spent the next 2 days in bed like a vegetable.  By the 3rd day, his primary care doc sent Chad to Neurology to get to the source of the so-called migraine.

(a big big thank you here to Danielle and Rebecca for watching my children endlessly during hospital and doctor visits.  I cry just thinking about the two of you and your selflessness during what was probably the busiest and most stressful week of your own lives.)

Once Chad was referred to Neurology, things started happening.  We needed to rule out anything serious or potentially fatal, and quickly.  We were sent immediately from the appointment for a STAT MRI/MRA brain scan (this was deemed unnecessary during the initial ER visit).  I sat in that imaging waiting room with my sweet husband and thought of what I would do if I lost him.  I tried to be positive, I tried thinking of pleasant things- but my mind was preparing for the worst.  How would I go on without my husband?  How could I get out of bed and take care of our two little boys all by myself?  How could I provide for our family on the measly salary I would make without an advanced degree?  I thought all of these things and kept them inside my head, so as not to worry Chad even more.  Until that evening, I had no idea how worried and stressed I had become.

On the drive home from the MRI, the doctor called.  She had good news!  The brain scan was clear, there were no abnormalities, no tumors, no bleeding, no stroke.  So then…what in the world was going on with my husband?!  We still didn't know.  He was to be at the hospital the very next morning for more testing.  That night while laying in bed, I couldn't sleep.  I was so relieved that this thing wasn't cancer.  I was so relieved, but so worried about the days ahead and how we would all deal.

To Be Continued…

this is home.

...and in the words of tift merritt, (whom you should all know cause she's the real deal) home is loud.
so many things i love about this photo- i'm so glad a good friend snapped it yesterday.  it is rare that all four of us show up in a photo, getting griff to hold still is another story.  the days are oh so long right now but the months are short.  these little guys are keeping me busy along with school, which i don't quite understand how i'm even passing at the moment.  finding time for school work with 2 babes is kind of a joke.  but i'm so grateful for these boys.  every single day i think about how blessed i am to be this busy and tired!  i read something the other day that struck me, "today is the childhood your kids will remember."

you can follow me here on my instagram feed.
happy weekend to all.
love, us.

i wanna be like dad.

 everyday when dad comes home, it's the same routine.  griffin hears the roar of the motorcycle, knows his dada is home and runs to the front door and into chad's arms.  he points to the helmet until chad puts it on his tiny little head and then looks around at his audience.  we all laugh of course and clap and think its the most adorable thing.  and it really is.  every time we go outside and he sees the bike parked in the driveway, he begs for a "ride".  griff sits on the bike while we make roooommm roooomm noises.  boy does he think thats cool.  so what do i do when one day he really wants to ride?  when he really wants his own gear and bike?  when he and dad go off on real rides at high speeds with idiot drivers all over the road?  i can't stop it from happening and i'll never just be the super cool mom who is okay with sending her son off to become road kill.  can't we all just get safer hobbies please?

ps, baby Avett is doing great!  he's 11 days old today; sleeping and eating like a champ.  it's hard to explain how much i love this little guy- every bit as much as my first baby.  these days, i'm always exhausted and usually found wearing sweats and a T but I guess that's just part of mommy-hood right now.  its like winning the jackpot if i've figured out a way to shower at some point during the day.  i'm breastfeeding this time around and it sure is a learning process, ouch!  avett loves it though and latched on very well during our first few minutes together in the hospital- unlike his older brother.  labor with avett was very different from our experience with griff.  more on that later.  Finals are half way over but this week will be another doozie.  yay for having babies in the middle of a crisis.  we wouldn't have it any other way, apparently.

avett, 2 days old.

ode to my husband.

i just have to say a few words to my husband for a minute, so bear with me...or roll your eyes at this mushy stuff and continue your web-surfing.  either way, i would feel extremely ungrateful if i didn't write down my thoughts today.  for those of you who know my hubby personally, you can attest to the kind nature of his heart.  i have never known anyone (except maybe his mother- which explains things) who always has a positive outlook and who tries as hard as he does to be a good, helpful and positive person.  This is not to say, he's perfect-(we've banned that way of thinking in our house) but in my eyes, he's pretty darn close.

still, we have our ups and downs and we fail to communicate well a lot of the time.  our journey together hasn't been the easiest path.  falling in love with him was.  that part was so easy that i panicked and avoided his courting efforts for a good month (or as he likes to refer to it, i snubbed him).  anyway, i fell hard for this strong, upright, do-gooder man and his outdoorsy/hippie ways.  he had perspective, real life understanding and morals.  plus, he was tall, scruffy and super handsome.  wait, how many years had i been looking for this kind of dude?  a lot.  so, that was that and it was a no brainer.  that was almost 3 years ago.

yesterday, after a frustrating morning with our teething/tantruming one-year old, i became overwhelmed with the massive amounts of homework i had yet to complete and all of the little mental to do lists i had stashed away in the back of my mind.  I just couldn't compartmentalize all of it any longer, couldn't keep it all organized and it felt as if i was losing control of just about everything.  please tell me i'm not the only person who has these meltdowns!

the point... on his way home from school, chad brought home the ice cream i had been craving for days (without being asked).  he fed our son his dinner, bathed and put him to bed, cleaned the kitchen, sat with me at the kitchen table as i completed my homework and then proceeded to help me make a physical list of tasks that i had for myself.  he hung shelves, finished putting the infant car seat together for new baby's arrival, picked up the front room, fixed the printer that never works (because i needed it), and may have found a little time for his own homework.  he did all of these things while feeding me positive remarks about how i'm a great mom, how beautiful i am and how i'm not fat...just really pregnant.

i could not ask for a better team mate or a better supporter through these rough changes we've been experiencing.  and i just had to write it down, so that tomorrow, when the 35 week pregnant hormones are raging, and the baby is crying, dinner isn't made and my homework isn't done- i will still remember how much i love and appreciate this man and his selfless giving.  bless his heart.  i love you, chad.

photo credit: Lydia Gravis.

"pancake".

No joke, this little boy asks for "pancake" every single morning.  and usually most afternoons too when it's lunch time.  and, it's just so adorable when he says it, i melt, and then we have to make them.  and by we, i mean daddy.  it all started with daddy anyway.  griffey loves the weekends when daddy is home all day and doesn't go to school.  he's very territorial with his dada you see.  he's just not interested in anything or anyone else, and it's actually kind of nice because then i get a break.  anyway, it started a while back when chad was deemed in charge of Saturday morning breakfasts.  he makes a mean pancake and so i'd usually request them.  last week at 7am we had pulled him into our bed to snuggle and chad asked him what he wanted for breakfast and out of nowhere we heard "mmmmm, pancake".  hilarious!  In other news: HE WALKS!  Just last weekend Griffin started walking... and we love it.  i can't believe how cute it is, the little noodle legs waddling back and forth.  he's SO proud of himself- and we can't get enough of it.

love, us
happy weekend!
ps, it's 80 degrees in October here in Charleston.  Fall just won't cooperate.

we hope they let us in.

hi guys.  we've been all sorts of busy around here this week.  Chad took his big graduate school test- GRE yesterday.  It was pretty brutal for him taking this 4 hour test after working all day-but we think he did pretty well.  Now, on to the applications.  As it stands (and we've debated for months on every possible school; these are based on cost, acceptance rate, and final exam pass rates) our top 4 schools are:

UTAH

IDAHO STATE

UNIVERSITY OF NORTH CAROLINA

MEDICAL UNIVERSITY OF SOUTH CAROLINA

can you guess which ones are mama's top choices?  I'm of course pulling for UNC or MUSC.  however, the U and ISU would give us in state tuition and just seem a bit easier right now.  and then there is the thought that we may not get in to any of those, which would just be dreadful- so i won't even continue to speak of such nonsense.  the right school will make itself known, we hope :)  I'm so proud of my hard working husband!  

the deadlines.

* You can find Griff's cute bear hat here, by Emmamade.

Go Utes!

I know it may look like I force my handsome husband to pose but I swear, I don't.  Maybe a little bit.  But this is for posterity here people.  I mean, I have nightmares that my kid will one day ask me, "mom, how come there are no pictures of me when I was little?"  Breaks my heart.  And that is why mom gets a little crazy when it comes to photos.  But really, aren't they cute in their matching Utah outfits?  All suited up before the big game!  Go Utes. Oh!  PS...Griff is 4 months old this week!

bath time with dad.

just a few bath time photos of the boys.  Watching these two last week was so adorable i could hardly stand it.  i love griffin and his little expressions as he watches chad so attentively.  he thinks dad is seriously cool.

a new blog.

greetings from the sanders family and welcome to our new blog. 

last weekend chad had an opportunity to play in eden as part of the arts festival so griffin and i decided to tag along and watch.  our baby boy is ten weeks old!  i can't believe how fast time just flies right by.  griff is growing up way, way too fast and i don't think i'm going to allow it to continue.  lately he's been smiling at us all day (especially in the mornings) and making tons of funny noises and sighs.  griffin loves his dad.  i've watched as those two have become best friends over the past few weeks.  chad is such a great dad, it's all very cute.  oh, what a happy baby i have...i cant believe how much i love being his mommy.  he's brought so much love and joy into our lives.  more on all of that later.  enjoy.