THE HILLS ARE ALIVE.

Seriously, what?  Did I really not post these Christmas card photos?  I'm slacking in the blog department.  Blame it on the day job- three kids has got me in some sort of haze, man.  Moving on.

If you think these photos look somewhat reminiscent of The Sound of Music, good!  This is exactly what I was going for in my head.  Look at that mountain please, does it not scream the hills are alive?  There was snow on the ground, the children were in sweaters, the baby had a bonnet, all good things.  I love my dress and I love that I found it on clearance for 12 dollars or so- one hour before this shoot.  Love me some Loft clearance racks.  

Also, how cute are my babies?  Every second I look up they're breaking my heart again, growing up and things.  Griffin with that cutie smile and a comb over.  Avett, sweetly talking to his sister.  Most days he just scares the crap out of her with his loudness and crying.  He just SO LOUD.  Speaking of crying, I do believe each child took a turn during this 20 minute frigid, sound of music photo session.  Poor lydia, she gets stuck shooting all of our family photos.  At least the good ones.

THREE ANGEL BABIES.

Avett 2 years, Jane 5 weeks, Griffin 4 years

Honestly, does it get any sweeter than these three together?  Amazing how everyone cooperated for the ten minutes on my bed so I could snap some photos of them.  I look at these and I'm overwhelmed with joy- this is everything I've ever wanted.  

I MISS IT.

It all feels like a fairytale, these photos of us last summer where we used to live.  While change can be a good thing and there have been many advantages to our current situation, it hurts to stretch when we don't want to.  I haven't been adjusting to our new city as well as I would have hoped and the strange desert climate and dry air have really taken a toll.  I've been missing the humid summer days at the beach and the lazy afternoons the boys and I spent, just us- running around in the sunshine and splashing in the warm salty waves. When sunscreen and bug spray could be found in my purse, the car and several spots around the house. When I'd find sand everywhere- even after I swore I had cleaned it all up.  When we never ever wore shoes, or pants, or jackets.  I'll treasure these moments forever, when the boys were this little. And how, even on the days when I thought this two kid thing without a paycheck was too much to manage, life by the beach always made everything better.  We never grew tired of this place and I'm sure we never will.

We called him JJ.

A couple of months ago my grandpa died.  While it was very much expected at his fragile age, I was not prepared for the sadness I felt after he was gone.  He left this world quietly and surrounded by family- and I'm thankful for that.  As he spent his last moments here, this is what I wrote.  This is what I want to remember.

He lived a full life.  One that I honestly don't know much about.  He was a quiet man and a little rough around the edges, but a good man- a kind man.  He never told me wild tales about his war days or about his courtship with my grandmother.  I never heard about how he felt when he first became a father or about how difficult it was making ends meet with four children.  I don't remember much at all about what he used to say.  What I do remember, are the things that he did.

I remember his hugs and kisses that he would give us kids every time he greeted us or when we said goodbye.  He made sure we all knew that he loved us.  I remember his smiles.  His eyes were loving and could pierce right through a person.  Those eyes and the twinkle in them, my grandmother tells me with certainty that I inherited.  My gramps always had that same grin on his face, as if he had a million things he wanted to say but didn't.  When I would visit as a teenager, we would talk briefly about his golf game and the Atlanta Braves.  I'm sure of it now, I always rooted for them because he did.  The man taught me to play poker.  I'll never understand where he found the patience to do such a thing.  I still forget the rules, every time.  He would often tease my grandma, "she how you are, Pat?" he would say as she bossed him around.  The phrase always made us kids laugh.  Then he would look to me with the loving eyes and the grin, as if to say it was a hopeless task to try and change her.  It was, and he loved her anyway.

When I was very young, I spent many weekends at my grandparents' house on Choral drive in Southern California.  So many in fact, that their home felt like my own.  I have memories of wild gatherings where we would laugh and swim in the pool in the backyard.  There was always root beer around the house and my grandma's sticky white rice.  We had a lemon tree out back, two dogs, a million birds of paradise flowers, the hanging rattan swing on the patio and the green shag carpet my sister and I would twirl on while we danced to music.  And in my grandfather's den where there were walls of old photographs in frames he made himself, he would sit in his oversized lazy boy chair and promise to give us quarters for rubbing his tired feet.  I loved that house.  I love those memories.

My grandfather JJ was a gifted carpenter.  He spent many hours alone in his workshop crafting gorgeous keepsakes for his children and grandchildren.  I have jewelry boxes that play music, piggy banks, toy chests and picture frames all handcrafted by him.  My boys now ride the rocking horse he made for me when I was a baby, thirty years ago.  The last time I visited grandpa, my boys were with me- and I told him how much they loved the rocking horse.  I could tell his eyes understood how much it meant to me, especially now.  And when I said goodbye that day, with a baby in one arm I hugged him.  He gave me the same smile and the same kiss that he always did.  And, I knew it would be the last time.

I love you, grandpa.  Thank you for loving me.

a few shots I was able to get the day of his memorial service.  I'm not sure how my kids always end up losing their clothes on every occasion, hippie babies.  Also please note: Beckett's bawling in the family photo is due to Griffin stealing his new rocket.  Auntie Kristin appears to be encouraging this, I don't know.  We have since remedied the situation and Griff now has his own rocket.

When your husband has Meningitis…part two.

If I'm being honest, I haven't had the strength to write part two yet.  It is long overdue, I admit.  The emotional toll that this period of time has taken on our family is no small amount.  Thinking about my husband and how challenging this was and is, I land smack dab in yet another anxiety spell and then avoid the thing all together.  That's right, I sweep my issues under a rug.  Because facing them has been too scary and too lonely.  But I'm finally sleeping again.  I'm finally trying to take care of myself- something I forgot to do somewhere along the way.  Isn't it funny how moms and dads forget things like that?  It's a hard line to walk, taking care of yourself and everyone else too all the while being patient and loving.  It takes a lot of chocolate and a lot of yoga for me to stay present when I'm on my last leg. The job doesn't stop at the end of a long day or even on the weekends. Moms and dads…you truly are my heroes.

Part one can be read HERE…

As Chad and I drove home from the brain scan that evening, his doctor called with results.  There were no abnormalities.  He hadn't had a stroke and there was no tumor.   It was good news, the best possible scenario we could have hoped for really.  She told him to be at the hospital the next morning for a spinal tap test, where fluid would be drained- relieving some of the pressure from chad's head and giving us a sample to send to the lab for more testing.  I think I was numb from fear at this point and completely unaware of the range of emotions I was going through.  I had prepared myself to hear the words "cancer" or "brain tumor".  But we still didn't know what was wrong with Chad. That scared me more than anything.  The not knowing and the waiting helplessly.

That same evening I couldn't sleep.  I laid in bed awake while the rest of the house was quiet and asleep.  I began to shake.  My hands, arms, legs and face all started to tingle until finally they went numb and I felt like I was literally suffocating.  I hated myself for having a reaction like this when chad was the one that was sick.  Chad was the one who needed me and here I was falling apart.  Why couldn't I keep it together for my family who desperately needed me now?  I have always been far too hard on myself.  Chad knew I was having a panic attack and tried coaching me through it, but no amount of help could stop my fear from coming.  I'm pretty sure this is what we call a nervous break down.  And that's exactly how it felt. 

Thank you Danielle for driving in the middle of the night- to stay with my babies while I was falling apart.  I'll never forget your kindness and willingness to help us.

We got about three hours of sleep that night and chad drove himself to his procedure the next morning. He was on his back for the remainder of the day per doctors orders, although he felt surprisingly better having less pressure from his spinal fluid.  It was the best I had seen him since the night his symptoms began.  By the end of the day we had a diagnosis.  Viral Meningitis.  His spinal pressure levels had been severely elevated, there was way more fluid than normal.  No specific treatment was to be done but thankfully, Chad would recover on his own.  That was such wonderful news- that he would get through this.  That we all would.  Up until this point, I really didn't know if that would happen.

Due to the intense stress Chad was under while trying to finish up school and juggle his time at home, he wasn't able to properly fight off this infection to begin with.  It would take some time to work through his body before he felt completely healed.  He would need another spinal tap within the next week to help relieve more pressure.  His doctor gave us a time period of about six weeks until most symptoms would disappear, but that Chad would feel the lingering weakness and fatigue for the next year.  Now, he needed rest and lots of it.

While our families were both very kind and supportive of our situation, there was only so much they could do for us from so far away.  After my own episode, I realized I was going to need additional help if we were going to get Chad well- and if both of us were to finish our semesters of school.  With three weeks left before finals, I honestly did not know how it would all come together.  I was prepared to do what I could with my schooling and be okay with the rest. By some small miracle, Chad's mom was able to fly out to be with us for a whole week.  I don't remember much about that week she was here.  But I do remember feeling like she was our angel who helped pull us through the mess.  I finished my assigned work for Chemistry and took my final exam.  My grade did not suffer, and Chad was able to complete all of his end of semester tasks.  The MUSC faculty was very kind and sensitive to his situation as were his peers who helped to bring meals to us.

Thank you does not seem like enough to say to our family and friends who helped us through this time.  I dare say, it was one of the most intense and difficult experiences I have ever been through.  I will never forget how humbling it was to realize how much I needed help.  I could not do it alone no matter how much I willed myself.  There were many long days of caring for my sick husband and making sure he was where he needed to be, while juggling the needs of my two littles.  There were many tearful moments of worry and pure exhaustion.  I am so grateful chad was healed.  I know that we were watched over and protected through this time.  There were many angels sent to be with us.

What a blessing my family is to me.  I want my husband to know I love him.  I want him to know that I still choose him.  Even on our hardest days, I would do it all again- the exact same way.  I want my babies to know I would do anything for them, for their happiness.  I hope they learn about strength, love and kindness from watching their dad. He is the greatest example I could ever give to them.

Growing like Weeds & My Feelings on Mother's Day.

Griff is extremely proud of his yellow and orange birdhouse he and daddy made together.  Every morning at the breakfast table he asks, "any birds move in yet?"  The squirrels get to the bird seed long before the birds even have a chance.  We've planted some flowers in pots and every other day or so I let the boys water our new friends with their little watering can. Avett loves grabbing a handful of dirt as he passes by the plants shaking his head and saying, "no- no."  Every time we leave the house the boys go through the rock pile I've had them leave at the front door.  They want to bring "rock-o" with us wherever we go.  I find rocks hidden all over the house.

I love being a mom to these boys.  They are wild and crazy and so much fun to be around.  They are so loving and so good natured.  I wish I were a better writer, so that I could accurately describe the love I feel for them.  But it's unlike anything I've ever felt before.  It fills every part of my heart to have them near me and literally brings tears to my eyes when I see them light up.  When they run to me, excited to tell me a story.  When the baby brings me a book or a puzzle and plops his little body down on my lap.  When I see them playing together- laughing at one another.  I look at them and I see what life is all about.  They teach me of love and of humility and of patience.  They teach me to be kind and selfless when I'm really really tired and would rather just go back to bed.  They teach me about the world around us, so beautiful and so great.  For me, many things made sense once I first held my child in my arms.  I knew these boys were mine and I knew I must have done something right somewhere along the way to deserve such a privilege.  For they truly are my light and my saving grace.  I am so grateful for the way they continually change me.  For the way I continue to become something better because of these rascals.

I love you, boys.  Don't ever forget it.  Please stop growing like weeds.

Goodbyes are the Worst.

The boys were up at 7am, bless their hearts.  Uncle Buddy and aunt Coco left early yesterday morning before the sun came up.  Griff was terribly sad upon waking to find out.  Even though we had discussed it and said our goodbyes the night before.  My heart hurt as G searched the empty house just to be sure they had gone.  This morning over breakfast Griff begged to watch the video Eric had made for us.  We watched it over and over at his request and the boys laughed each time they saw themselves on the screen.  The second or third time around I couldn't help but tear up.  I am so grateful family came to stay.  I'm so glad they love my kids and are attentive to them.  My brother has grown into such an awesome person and I can't wait for him to become a dad.

Thanks for the visit you two, i mean three!

Throw it way back.

I guess this is what you do on Thursdays, post old photos??  I don't know, I'm a first timer to #tbt.  Maybe my hip and much younger siblings can give me some pointers.  Anyway, throw it back to Ogden, Utah- the week we were married in 2011.  And my pregnant hips!  I had hips folks, once upon a time.  These photos were taken just days after Chad and I were married.  We have no photos of us on our actual wedding day- which yes, bothers me a little.  Our story however, doesn't bother me one bit.  I love that we eloped to Florida that February.  I love that we had no plan.  I had no flowers, no guests, no lavishly expensive dinner and no 4,000 dollar wedding gown.  Wait, okay I'm sad I didn't get to wear the gown, not sad I didn't have to pay for one.  It wouldn't have fit me anyhow.  That day nothing I owned fit me.  I was 5 months pregnant and we were flat broke.  I wore a plain Old Navy sundress purchased the day before, flip flops and my engagement ring.  Chad had spent every penny he owned having it made for me.

The idea of marriage really scared me then, it still does.  Something about promising your forever away no matter what just doesn't seem natural to me.  Things change, people change and that's okay.  I didn't want to get married just because it was the respectable thing to do or because it seemed like the next step in our relationship.  I just wanted to be with Chad.  I wanted us to be a family.  I didn't need a marriage license or a ceremony to tell me how much he really loved me.  I knew enough about him then to know that he was committed, married or not.  For me, this day was like any other day- about nothing more than our love for each other and our desire to stay together.  I love that our baby was there growing inside me as we promised to take care of each other.  For us, it was perfect and the feeling of peace I had that day remains with me still.  Two babies later, I still feel it.  There is a sweetness and a fullness inside my heart.  It's as simple as that.

When your husband has Meningitis… part 1.

This is either week 3 or week 4 of the viral meningitis attack on my husband, I really can't keep it all straight anymore.  I think we are entering week 4.  Chad is doing much better this week.  His pain has diminished and he is able to sleep, eat and be up for most of the day.  He's currently trying to finish his school semester projects and take his final exams.  I'm so proud of Chad and the way he has fought through this illness.  My husband is no baby.  He gets work done.  I think that has been one of the more challenging parts about this experience.  I know Chad would rather be helping me around the house or doing his school work than lying in bed resting.  Laziness is just not part of his nature.  He is doing better, but this is an extremely slow process.

Many friends and family members have been asking for updates, sending sweet messages, bringing meals and offering to help.  I confess, I have become very overwhelmed by this process of caring for Chad, tending to the children and finishing up my fall semester of school.  I know I have been horrible about responding to emails, texts, calls etc.  To those of you who have reached out to us:  WE THANK YOU, WE APPRECIATE YOU, WE LOVE YOU.  I thought our blog would be the best way for us to thank and update everyone inquiring about Chad.  While we would love to rehash the story over and over again (insert sarcasm), I'm sure that would not be helpful in getting Chad the rest he so desperately needs.  I wanted to put a little bit of this experience down on paper so that I don't forget the degree of difficulty we have been faced with while living here in Charleston.  Also, I never want to forget the friends we have made and how grateful and truly, truly blessed we are.  Thank you to everyone who has helped deliver a meal to us.  We haven't had to worry about dinner for two weeks y'all!  What wonderful people Chad has been blessed to work with in his OT program at MUSC.  This experience has rocked my world in so many ways.

4 weeks ago, my husband woke up in the middle of the night with the worst headache of his life, vomiting and many other flu like symptoms.  We were up the whole night considering an ER visit but decided to ride it out at least until the morning.  The headache never left and no amount of OTC meds seemed to dull his pain.  I knew in my gut (I've got a very intuitive gut) that something was just not right.  The next evening, Chad got tingling throughout the left side of his body.  It first traveled up through his fingers, up his arm, through his face and back down his side, down his entire leg and left through his toes.  Concerned about a stroke, given the tingling, weakness and terrible headache, I took him to the ER where he was diagnosed with nothing more than a migraine headache and given a prescription for pain.  (side note- I hope everyone knows the warning signs for a stroke.  It is imperative that stroke victims receive immediate attention for the best possible care.  If you don't know them, look it up!)  Back to Chad…They sent us home, the meds didn't help, the pain and vomiting didn't stop and he spent the next 2 days in bed like a vegetable.  By the 3rd day, his primary care doc sent Chad to Neurology to get to the source of the so-called migraine.

(a big big thank you here to Danielle and Rebecca for watching my children endlessly during hospital and doctor visits.  I cry just thinking about the two of you and your selflessness during what was probably the busiest and most stressful week of your own lives.)

Once Chad was referred to Neurology, things started happening.  We needed to rule out anything serious or potentially fatal, and quickly.  We were sent immediately from the appointment for a STAT MRI/MRA brain scan (this was deemed unnecessary during the initial ER visit).  I sat in that imaging waiting room with my sweet husband and thought of what I would do if I lost him.  I tried to be positive, I tried thinking of pleasant things- but my mind was preparing for the worst.  How would I go on without my husband?  How could I get out of bed and take care of our two little boys all by myself?  How could I provide for our family on the measly salary I would make without an advanced degree?  I thought all of these things and kept them inside my head, so as not to worry Chad even more.  Until that evening, I had no idea how worried and stressed I had become.

On the drive home from the MRI, the doctor called.  She had good news!  The brain scan was clear, there were no abnormalities, no tumors, no bleeding, no stroke.  So then…what in the world was going on with my husband?!  We still didn't know.  He was to be at the hospital the very next morning for more testing.  That night while laying in bed, I couldn't sleep.  I was so relieved that this thing wasn't cancer.  I was so relieved, but so worried about the days ahead and how we would all deal.

To Be Continued…